It's been FAR too long since I posted here. Truth is that I started to be venting to myself more and more and it MAY have been funnier in person.
Still, I'm back now and let's get back on the horse!
My motorbike has a digital speedometer. This has lead me to be much more careful with my speed.
My car has an analogue gauge and I can always console myself that I might have a slightly thick needle and a wide line where the '70 mph' line is will allow me to be slightly higher (obviously, I don't ever exceed the limit on purpose, sometimes there is a big breeze when I'm going downhill!).
With the digital readout there are no 2 ways about it. SLOW DOWN! It yells at me, YOU'RE DOING OVER THE GOVERNMENT SANCTIONED LIMIT!
There is no talking to it. No convincing yourself that the 73mph shown is actually just UNDER 70 because of the gauge errors.
No.
When you go too fast with a digital speedo, it lets you know
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Thursday, 8 September 2011
The Ford Standard
I've got nothing against advertising executives. They've brought us classic adverts like that awesome Honda one, and most of the older beer ones are brilliant during half time at the football.
I DO have a problem when advertisers try to sell us something that we already have.
Take the new Ford adverts for example. Apparently all new Fords come with an easy fuel system (I don't understand how you can have a not easy fuel system) and quick clearing windscreen (because I don't know how I manage with my regular speed clearing windscreen). I'm surprised that they haven't told us that their cars have wheels. Oh wait, they do! No longer must we wallow about with our normal car stability systems. Ford have brought us their all new advanced car stability systems.
Do they really have nothing else to tell us about their new cars? I suppose it saves money - rather than having many different adverts featuring cars, that are all aimed at specific age groups etc they manage to make just one generic advert.
Why not just put the logo on our screens with a tagline with 'We make cars' or something like that? I'm sure it'd be cheaper.
Still, I'd rather watch that Ford advert a thousand times than watch Mr Go Compare!
I DO have a problem when advertisers try to sell us something that we already have.
Take the new Ford adverts for example. Apparently all new Fords come with an easy fuel system (I don't understand how you can have a not easy fuel system) and quick clearing windscreen (because I don't know how I manage with my regular speed clearing windscreen). I'm surprised that they haven't told us that their cars have wheels. Oh wait, they do! No longer must we wallow about with our normal car stability systems. Ford have brought us their all new advanced car stability systems.
Do they really have nothing else to tell us about their new cars? I suppose it saves money - rather than having many different adverts featuring cars, that are all aimed at specific age groups etc they manage to make just one generic advert.
Why not just put the logo on our screens with a tagline with 'We make cars' or something like that? I'm sure it'd be cheaper.
Still, I'd rather watch that Ford advert a thousand times than watch Mr Go Compare!
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Don't kill me, but I don't like Star Wars. Or The Hangover. Or the Simpsons.....
It feels good to get this off my chest. I might be one of the only engineers who doesn't like Star Wars.
Don't get me wrong, it's not in the same league as Rango (which I saw by mistake, thinking that Dreamworks made it), Sex and the City, the Simpsons (tv show, not the movie which was sittable), or The Hangover.
I don't get the whole obsession with the franchise around this! George Lucas should be remembered for making 2 awesome Indiana Jones films (as well as 2 other ones which we won't mention here). I have the sneaking suspicion that people love Star Wars because it was the only film that came out in 1977, but there were others which are considered good. For starters, Rocky made his debut at the start of the year and made quite a lot in the box office, but people don't dress up as Stalone and speak in an Italian-American accent whenever a new Rocky film is released.
I just don't get it. Did I watch the wrong film? I've tried to sit through various episodes and only managed to see 4, part of 5 and 1 and this took well over a month of sitting down for 20 minutes at a time until boredom crept up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and offered me something better to do. Like watch an old Star Trek episode or check my belly button for fluff.
While I'm at it I feel I should explain my distain for The Hangover and the Simpsons.
Both contain jokes that are written backwards - i.e. the writers think of a funny punchline and work backwards to create a scenario (in the case of The Hangover) or a part of speech (for the Simpsons) that allows for this conclusion. Not big and not clever.
Don't get me wrong, it's not in the same league as Rango (which I saw by mistake, thinking that Dreamworks made it), Sex and the City, the Simpsons (tv show, not the movie which was sittable), or The Hangover.
I don't get the whole obsession with the franchise around this! George Lucas should be remembered for making 2 awesome Indiana Jones films (as well as 2 other ones which we won't mention here). I have the sneaking suspicion that people love Star Wars because it was the only film that came out in 1977, but there were others which are considered good. For starters, Rocky made his debut at the start of the year and made quite a lot in the box office, but people don't dress up as Stalone and speak in an Italian-American accent whenever a new Rocky film is released.
I just don't get it. Did I watch the wrong film? I've tried to sit through various episodes and only managed to see 4, part of 5 and 1 and this took well over a month of sitting down for 20 minutes at a time until boredom crept up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and offered me something better to do. Like watch an old Star Trek episode or check my belly button for fluff.
While I'm at it I feel I should explain my distain for The Hangover and the Simpsons.
Both contain jokes that are written backwards - i.e. the writers think of a funny punchline and work backwards to create a scenario (in the case of The Hangover) or a part of speech (for the Simpsons) that allows for this conclusion. Not big and not clever.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
As if my life isn't scary enough as it is
I'd like to start this post with an apology for taking so long between posts - but then again, I'm not being paid for this, so, your move......
On to business!
I was thinking the other day about how people in general do things every day to 'make them feel alive'. What a weird expression this is! If you want to feel alive then just sit there and consider your position in the immense universe. Pretty soon you'll be overawed with the immensity of it all and need a bit of a sleep and possibly a McFlurry.
Why would anyone want to make their life more dangerous just to feel alive? I think my life is dangerous enough as it is! Take my morning ritual of getting up, showering, getting dressed, eating and out the door.
First off the bat I could die in my sleep. Then slip in the shower and break my neck. After that I've got to tread lightly across the tiled bathroom floor making sure I don't put too much torque down or I'll be on my back trying not to cough up my spleen. Breakfast involves me using all sorts of electrical appliances that could go wrong and burn the house down. THEN I've got to actually go outside and interact with my fellow human being. If history has told us anything, it is that people are not to be trusted. They don't look when you're crossing the road. They drop stuff from building sites. Some (and I'd like to point out that it is often the Japanese section of the world here) just go bat sh*t crazy and cut people with a box opener.
Now, I don't know about you, but there is enough danger in my normal life that I don't have to jump out of a perfectly working aeroplane or climb a really big hill just to feel something. Seriously, go outside and just think of how lucky you are to live in the present time and thank your stars that you're alive to feel it.
On to business!
I was thinking the other day about how people in general do things every day to 'make them feel alive'. What a weird expression this is! If you want to feel alive then just sit there and consider your position in the immense universe. Pretty soon you'll be overawed with the immensity of it all and need a bit of a sleep and possibly a McFlurry.
Why would anyone want to make their life more dangerous just to feel alive? I think my life is dangerous enough as it is! Take my morning ritual of getting up, showering, getting dressed, eating and out the door.
First off the bat I could die in my sleep. Then slip in the shower and break my neck. After that I've got to tread lightly across the tiled bathroom floor making sure I don't put too much torque down or I'll be on my back trying not to cough up my spleen. Breakfast involves me using all sorts of electrical appliances that could go wrong and burn the house down. THEN I've got to actually go outside and interact with my fellow human being. If history has told us anything, it is that people are not to be trusted. They don't look when you're crossing the road. They drop stuff from building sites. Some (and I'd like to point out that it is often the Japanese section of the world here) just go bat sh*t crazy and cut people with a box opener.
Now, I don't know about you, but there is enough danger in my normal life that I don't have to jump out of a perfectly working aeroplane or climb a really big hill just to feel something. Seriously, go outside and just think of how lucky you are to live in the present time and thank your stars that you're alive to feel it.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
The future - internet gold accounts?
Browsing the web today is not like it was 3 years ago. Everything is now owned by google or a similarly massive company so your data is shared by every website around.
Incidentally, the beauty of facebook over Google+ is that facebook only has SOME of your data. Google has ALL of it! Access to your emails, your search history, google checkouts, Skype calls, the lot. Just be careful what you search for.....
Anyway, getting back a bit on topic, will the next few years bring with it a gold account version of the internet?
I am thinking that a resourceful company will come up with some way to offer full VIP access to your regular trolling sites. This could include YouTube with no adverts, no popups on your newspaper of choice etc.
I really hope that the internet doesn't go down this route - it should always be free - but I feel that in a future where more and more people are accessing the same information, a need wil arise for some people to feel 'VIP' and therefore better than everyone else.
Incidentally, the beauty of facebook over Google+ is that facebook only has SOME of your data. Google has ALL of it! Access to your emails, your search history, google checkouts, Skype calls, the lot. Just be careful what you search for.....
Anyway, getting back a bit on topic, will the next few years bring with it a gold account version of the internet?
I am thinking that a resourceful company will come up with some way to offer full VIP access to your regular trolling sites. This could include YouTube with no adverts, no popups on your newspaper of choice etc.
I really hope that the internet doesn't go down this route - it should always be free - but I feel that in a future where more and more people are accessing the same information, a need wil arise for some people to feel 'VIP' and therefore better than everyone else.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
An Open Letter to the People of Greece
Hello people of Greece! :)
First of all, I never congratulated you on winning Euro 2004, so well done for that.
On to my main topic regarding your rioting in the city centres in response to your government's plans to cut a few billion euros from the budget. Have you not been watching ANY news recently? You were almost bought by CHINA!! Things are getting slightly serious when a country 6,000 miles away is the only one that will invest in you. I think this is now the standard length of the proverbial 'barge pole'. Yes, 6,000 miles sounds about right.
If you must be reminded, your economy is broke and last year you received $145 billion (yes, BILLION with 9 zeros) in aid from the IMF and EU to pay off debts. Your credit rating is below the stalwart nations of Jamaica, Ghana and Belarus.
Seriously, rioting in the street costs even more money to fix (money, which I will remind you, you do not have). You're shooting yourselves in the foot!
First of all, I never congratulated you on winning Euro 2004, so well done for that.
On to my main topic regarding your rioting in the city centres in response to your government's plans to cut a few billion euros from the budget. Have you not been watching ANY news recently? You were almost bought by CHINA!! Things are getting slightly serious when a country 6,000 miles away is the only one that will invest in you. I think this is now the standard length of the proverbial 'barge pole'. Yes, 6,000 miles sounds about right.
If you must be reminded, your economy is broke and last year you received $145 billion (yes, BILLION with 9 zeros) in aid from the IMF and EU to pay off debts. Your credit rating is below the stalwart nations of Jamaica, Ghana and Belarus.
Seriously, rioting in the street costs even more money to fix (money, which I will remind you, you do not have). You're shooting yourselves in the foot!
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Tricky
Let's get to the point right away - there is NO WAY ON EARTH that you can look good when performing with Beyonce. OK, Jay-Z can do it, but he's rapping with her, not singing with her so it's something else.
For her Glastonbury 2011 performance Beyonce introduced us to her personal 'friend' Tricky (stop laughing! It's probably a real name......)
He comes in pushing a microphone stand like a zimmer frame. Seriously, if you've not seen it yet, go and have a look at the video! That must have worn him out because he then procedes to breath heavily into the mic for a bit, before trying to sing a lyric, fails, and is consoled by his duet partner.
In this 'performance' he is definitely the Pussycat Dolls to Beyonce's Nicole Scherzinger. To make matters worse for poor ol' Tricky, Sean Paul is STILL being played over the top of the track.
This poor guy looks to be a contest winner who is promptly disposed of!
Still, good to know that it doesn't matter how talentless you might be, as long as you've got famous friends, you're gonna be fine :)
For her Glastonbury 2011 performance Beyonce introduced us to her personal 'friend' Tricky (stop laughing! It's probably a real name......)
He comes in pushing a microphone stand like a zimmer frame. Seriously, if you've not seen it yet, go and have a look at the video! That must have worn him out because he then procedes to breath heavily into the mic for a bit, before trying to sing a lyric, fails, and is consoled by his duet partner.
In this 'performance' he is definitely the Pussycat Dolls to Beyonce's Nicole Scherzinger. To make matters worse for poor ol' Tricky, Sean Paul is STILL being played over the top of the track.
This poor guy looks to be a contest winner who is promptly disposed of!
Still, good to know that it doesn't matter how talentless you might be, as long as you've got famous friends, you're gonna be fine :)
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